Etsy Says: Increase Your Reach

Got another email from Etsy today. She (we'll refer to Etsy as female) gives four methods of increasing my outreach. Okay, I'll give it a shot.

1. Use Your Connections
Etsy says that I should ask my fellow bloggy friends to post something "non-spammy" about The Mighty Sprout.
Umm... connections? I don't have any. And friends with blogs? Certainly nothing relevant. Okay, maybe I just don't feel like begging friends to write some shameless plug about my jewelry. Whatever, Etsy, let's try #2.

2. Team Up
So, now she wants me to join Etsy teams. Etsy says this will increase traffic to my page. Okay, so I checked out the teams that I can join. First shot, the RI team. Wellll... Apparently I don't qualify because you need a minimum of 10 positive feedback. I have 0. Not because I suck, but because who really leaves feedback these days?
Then I found an "Etsy Designs" team. Graphic designers. Okay, I applied, we'll see how that goes. Just so you know, all team seem to require some sort of proof of how awesome you are. Darn, I was kind of hoping for instant gratification. I'll come back to this.
[Fun fact: there's an Etsy team for Menstruation. Sweeeet.]

3. Make A Statement
Etsy says to get funky. Make something pretty outlandish. Something where everyone is like "woah, that's nuts." So, what, they want me to make a vagina necklace? Or thong earrings? Not my style. My rule of thumb is if I would wear it, I'll make it. I don't make things that I don't find attractive. Forget #3. Move on.

4. Be a guest blogger.
Etsy! Woah! Move back to #1! Remember that part about me not having connections? Yeaaaaah. Didn't think so. Screw you, #4.

Okay, WASTE OF TIME. I'll work on #2, but that's all you've got, Etsy.